Bruce, Clark and that Martha chick

Three years ago when Zack Snyder announced he would be working on the Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice film, the universe caught a slight wobble. There was a social media outbreak that dwarfed Ebola. We were bombarded with insane teaser trailers, spoilers, interviews and “secret glimpses” of what was to come.

My friend, Daniel, and I started collecting comic books in 1991. Since the very first day we held a DC Comics book in our 11 year-old hands, we’ve had raging debates as to who would win should Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent ever have it out.

Needless to say, that debate is still, well, debatable.

Imagine for a second that you’ve waited literally your entire life for an event to occur, and then when it finally does, you wish it never did.

That, was my experience of Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.

The only thing that dawned upon anyone was how absolutely shit it was and how you felt like a teenager the morning after your drink was spiked. You were left standing there, remote in hand, looking at the credits flash across your face wondering “what the hell just happened?”

This movie left me searching frantically for a scalpel. So I could cut open my skull and scrape the skid marks of this turd-fest off the foundation of my already overcrowded memory.

I am so despondent about this film that I don’t feel the need to get into too much detail about an entire genre they managed to screw up in the space of just two hours. Instead I’ve made a list.

Please feel free to comment.

Why it failed:

  1. Alexander (Lex) Luthor

WTF??? Seriously, what the actual F@#!? First off, this guy is the epitome of a super villain and basically one of the most notorious characters in the entire DC Universe. He is a billionaire businessman and in every single depiction I have ever seen, he is extremely well dressed, super intelligent and smooth as a baby’s backside. In the movie however, he is depicted as this Joker type character with a distinct yuppy sort of flair about him. The movie version is a kid on drugs trying to be Heath Ledger with a squeaky voice because his balls had not dropped yet. Casting Jesse Eisenberg was a HUGE mistake and somebody should lose their heads over it.

  1. The Flash

Political Correctness is ruining society. Barry Allen or Wally West was the Flash. White guys. Blonde haired, blue eyed white guys. Ezra Miller will now be the new Barry Allen according to insiders (such as IMBD and Bustle) in the upcoming 2018 release entitled The Flash. WHY THE F@#! IS FLASH AN ASIAN DUDE?!

  1. The endless Dream scenes (FIVE in total)

The movie starts with a dream scene. There are some more dreams in the Batcave, in the desert, in the bedroom, in the snow, in the air, in space, in … zzzzzzzzzzzzz

  1. Oh the hypocrisy of it all

So Batman hates Superman (like everyone else in the United States) mostly because of all the destruction he caused and the innocent lives that were lost because of a result of him and Zod having their little tiff in Man of Steel. But then, Batman gets into the Batmobile (which resembled a German Panther tank) and proceeds to tear through the streets of Gotham destroying buildings, old ships and warehouses wrecking a number of cars and killing countless numbers of unnamed henchmen in an attempt to hijack a transport truck and steal its shipment of kryptonite. Because setting the world on fire is fine if you’re Batman.

  1. The fight

The title has VERSUS in it. Which means that it’s a movie about two guys blikseming the crap out of each other, right? Wrong. In the two hour long lullaby for big people, a total of 03:13 seconds was dedicated to an actual fight. That’s right. THREE minutes of Batman versus Superman. How did the fight stop? Hold on while I try regain composure because it’s so ridiculous that each time I think about it, I choke on my coffee. The fight stopped because Batman realizes (as he is about to drive a kryptonite spearhead through Superman’s chest) that (wait for it) his mother…and Superman’s mother… HAD THE SAME NAME.

I

shit

you

not.

The entire movie is built around Martha. And why the hell does Superman call his mom by her real name rather “mom” or “mommy” even? I think that it would have made more sense if he just came out straight and said “Help me save my mom”.

And then! Batman throws away the spear, helps Superman to his feet, hugs him and says “I promise you, Martha won’t die tonight” before they both head off into the direction where Lex was hiding Superman’s mother (which they suddenly knew because Alfred tracked the signal of the call Lex made before the fight started).

  1. Wrong character portrayal

Superman is really depressed throughout the whole movie. The whole movie. Batman kills people and Wonder Woman seems to appear at every party in Gotham showing boobs she hasn’t got and flirting with Batman.

Ben Affleck, in my opinion, looks like the Bruce Wayne of the comics and has that dark side one would expect from an alcoholic psychopath (which is what Bruce would have to be if it were real life), but as Batman he sucks balls. He can’t fight and moves way too sluggishly to be the Dark Knight. And the suit looks inflated as he is suddenly way, way bigger in the suit than when he’s not wearing it.

Back to Superman. This is a guy who once tilted the earth off its axis with ONE punch. How come his fight lasted only a few minutes? Granted Batman would have eventually won through clever tactics, but not in three minutes – and not without being paralysed. It would be a battle of epic proportions.

  1. Jimmy Olsen

In the comic books, Jimmy plays a really big part of the canon. In this movie he is killed off in the first few minutes without anybody even knowing who he is or how he is connected to Superman.

  1. Hints of the Justice League Movie

Other directors hide little Easter eggs in their movies to make you think they might make other movies about other heroes or whatever. How does Zac Snyder do it? IN A FRIGGIN EMAIL ATTACHMENT. WTF? And each of the “metahumans” in this email attachment has a really cool logo designed by some graphic designer to go along with the info Lex amazingly has on them.

  1. Wonder Woman’s reason for being in the movie

She appears in the movie because she believes that Lex has a photo of her from 100 years ago. Seriously?!?! Then she finds out he has the photo, but just leaves it there? So why bother trying to get the photo in the first place? And why does she use her bracelets to block Doomsday’s blasts when she has a shield?

  1. Superman’s hearing loss

Why is it that Superman could hear Lois Lane drowning in the middle of the fight of his life (when he was not paying attention), but when he was standing in a small courtroom right next to a suicide bomber (and had every reason to pay attention), he couldn’t hear the bomb ticking?

  1. I’m a friend of your son

Yeah, of course you are, he said Martha. And Martha seems to be okay with it after having spent the entire film watching you kick her son’s ass. Batman realizes Superman’s mom has the same name as his dead mother and instantly they become BFF’s. Which doesn’t make sense because Batman hates Superman because he’s a dangerous alien so powerful he could destroy the entire planet at a whim. But that’s cool because our mom’s have the same names so I forgive you.

They did something right though.

They managed to con all of us into watching their movie. Oh, and they had Gal Gadot. Wonder Woman is the reason this movie has a rating at all. 3/10 on the RJR Scale.index

 

 

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