Bruce, Clark and that Martha chick

Three years ago when Zack Snyder announced he would be working on the Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice film, the universe caught a slight wobble. There was a social media outbreak that dwarfed Ebola. We were bombarded with insane teaser trailers, spoilers, interviews and “secret glimpses” of what was to come.

My friend, Daniel, and I started collecting comic books in 1991. Since the very first day we held a DC Comics book in our 11 year-old hands, we’ve had raging debates as to who would win should Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent ever have it out.

Needless to say, that debate is still, well, debatable.

Imagine for a second that you’ve waited literally your entire life for an event to occur, and then when it finally does, you wish it never did.

That, was my experience of Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.

The only thing that dawned upon anyone was how absolutely shit it was and how you felt like a teenager the morning after your drink was spiked. You were left standing there, remote in hand, looking at the credits flash across your face wondering “what the hell just happened?”

This movie left me searching frantically for a scalpel. So I could cut open my skull and scrape the skid marks of this turd-fest off the foundation of my already overcrowded memory.

I am so despondent about this film that I don’t feel the need to get into too much detail about an entire genre they managed to screw up in the space of just two hours. Instead I’ve made a list.

Please feel free to comment.

Why it failed:

  1. Alexander (Lex) Luthor

WTF??? Seriously, what the actual F@#!? First off, this guy is the epitome of a super villain and basically one of the most notorious characters in the entire DC Universe. He is a billionaire businessman and in every single depiction I have ever seen, he is extremely well dressed, super intelligent and smooth as a baby’s backside. In the movie however, he is depicted as this Joker type character with a distinct yuppy sort of flair about him. The movie version is a kid on drugs trying to be Heath Ledger with a squeaky voice because his balls had not dropped yet. Casting Jesse Eisenberg was a HUGE mistake and somebody should lose their heads over it.

  1. The Flash

Political Correctness is ruining society. Barry Allen or Wally West was the Flash. White guys. Blonde haired, blue eyed white guys. Ezra Miller will now be the new Barry Allen according to insiders (such as IMBD and Bustle) in the upcoming 2018 release entitled The Flash. WHY THE F@#! IS FLASH AN ASIAN DUDE?!

  1. The endless Dream scenes (FIVE in total)

The movie starts with a dream scene. There are some more dreams in the Batcave, in the desert, in the bedroom, in the snow, in the air, in space, in … zzzzzzzzzzzzz

  1. Oh the hypocrisy of it all

So Batman hates Superman (like everyone else in the United States) mostly because of all the destruction he caused and the innocent lives that were lost because of a result of him and Zod having their little tiff in Man of Steel. But then, Batman gets into the Batmobile (which resembled a German Panther tank) and proceeds to tear through the streets of Gotham destroying buildings, old ships and warehouses wrecking a number of cars and killing countless numbers of unnamed henchmen in an attempt to hijack a transport truck and steal its shipment of kryptonite. Because setting the world on fire is fine if you’re Batman.

  1. The fight

The title has VERSUS in it. Which means that it’s a movie about two guys blikseming the crap out of each other, right? Wrong. In the two hour long lullaby for big people, a total of 03:13 seconds was dedicated to an actual fight. That’s right. THREE minutes of Batman versus Superman. How did the fight stop? Hold on while I try regain composure because it’s so ridiculous that each time I think about it, I choke on my coffee. The fight stopped because Batman realizes (as he is about to drive a kryptonite spearhead through Superman’s chest) that (wait for it) his mother…and Superman’s mother… HAD THE SAME NAME.

I

shit

you

not.

The entire movie is built around Martha. And why the hell does Superman call his mom by her real name rather “mom” or “mommy” even? I think that it would have made more sense if he just came out straight and said “Help me save my mom”.

And then! Batman throws away the spear, helps Superman to his feet, hugs him and says “I promise you, Martha won’t die tonight” before they both head off into the direction where Lex was hiding Superman’s mother (which they suddenly knew because Alfred tracked the signal of the call Lex made before the fight started).

  1. Wrong character portrayal

Superman is really depressed throughout the whole movie. The whole movie. Batman kills people and Wonder Woman seems to appear at every party in Gotham showing boobs she hasn’t got and flirting with Batman.

Ben Affleck, in my opinion, looks like the Bruce Wayne of the comics and has that dark side one would expect from an alcoholic psychopath (which is what Bruce would have to be if it were real life), but as Batman he sucks balls. He can’t fight and moves way too sluggishly to be the Dark Knight. And the suit looks inflated as he is suddenly way, way bigger in the suit than when he’s not wearing it.

Back to Superman. This is a guy who once tilted the earth off its axis with ONE punch. How come his fight lasted only a few minutes? Granted Batman would have eventually won through clever tactics, but not in three minutes – and not without being paralysed. It would be a battle of epic proportions.

  1. Jimmy Olsen

In the comic books, Jimmy plays a really big part of the canon. In this movie he is killed off in the first few minutes without anybody even knowing who he is or how he is connected to Superman.

  1. Hints of the Justice League Movie

Other directors hide little Easter eggs in their movies to make you think they might make other movies about other heroes or whatever. How does Zac Snyder do it? IN A FRIGGIN EMAIL ATTACHMENT. WTF? And each of the “metahumans” in this email attachment has a really cool logo designed by some graphic designer to go along with the info Lex amazingly has on them.

  1. Wonder Woman’s reason for being in the movie

She appears in the movie because she believes that Lex has a photo of her from 100 years ago. Seriously?!?! Then she finds out he has the photo, but just leaves it there? So why bother trying to get the photo in the first place? And why does she use her bracelets to block Doomsday’s blasts when she has a shield?

  1. Superman’s hearing loss

Why is it that Superman could hear Lois Lane drowning in the middle of the fight of his life (when he was not paying attention), but when he was standing in a small courtroom right next to a suicide bomber (and had every reason to pay attention), he couldn’t hear the bomb ticking?

  1. I’m a friend of your son

Yeah, of course you are, he said Martha. And Martha seems to be okay with it after having spent the entire film watching you kick her son’s ass. Batman realizes Superman’s mom has the same name as his dead mother and instantly they become BFF’s. Which doesn’t make sense because Batman hates Superman because he’s a dangerous alien so powerful he could destroy the entire planet at a whim. But that’s cool because our mom’s have the same names so I forgive you.

They did something right though.

They managed to con all of us into watching their movie. Oh, and they had Gal Gadot. Wonder Woman is the reason this movie has a rating at all. 3/10 on the RJR Scale.index

 

 

Eighteen Minutes Passed the Hour

If a day had only eighteen hours I would gladly spend the first sixteen musing over the thought of her. A more amorous day I find hard to imagine, and were I to be proven wrong, that day too would become only if she insisted.

I am completely and utterly bemused. Reason tugs at me – It cannot, must not – should never be. It’s not reality, it’s all just an orchestrated play. But yes it is – as real to me as the shadow that follows as each footstep takes me further from away.

Drunk in awe I am of her. A fact I wish I knew of ways to adequately say.

I blink and she is gone too long, her touch I have so long evaded for fear of what I wish to never say. I really should just come out and say it, I mean really. But what if I ruin it? What if I make this beautiful place disappear – or even worse still, what if I make her disappear? I couldn’t bare that thought. As much as I long for just a moment to hold her – just a moment – not to speak or breathe or think, just a moment to be, I cannot risk it. She means so much more to me than superficial bits and pieces.

Why exactly I don’t think I will ever be sure. But then, I don’t think everything in life needs to be validated by proof or facts or even reason. Sometimes some times are just there. And they exist as do we…the trick however is to find harmony between them. The joy lies in experiencing them for what they are, precious.

Each time that I am near I sway to the pulse of her smile and have to stop myself from saying that “gods dammit I am so swept away by you”.

And I know that even as she reads this, the sweetest grin across her face is just appearing, a giggle, a chuckle or a smile perhaps?

I know she knows, because we both know.

You inspire me. I am captivated.

Winter’s lesson lies hidden in Spring

Spring is in the air as we ready ourselves for flowing floral dresses, knee high pants and our favourite pair of strapless sandals. Soon, the trees will start to blossom as they do each year and swarms of bees, chirping birds and sunny rays will bring our gardens exploding back to life. But it wasn’t always like this. Not a week ago we still experienced the last lashes of a delayed winter and one would have been hard tasked to pinpoint exactly when summer said it’s goodbyes. Three months into winter and we can hardly imagine what it felt like to walk outside without a jacket or leggings. People complain about the cold and the stuffy noses and miserable moods that winter brings, forgetting that without winter there could never be sunshine, for along with all the ailments, weight gain and apparent moodiness, Winter brings us the gift of spring – or rather the appreciation of it.

There is a lesson that winter brings

We prepare for winter by stocking up on jackets, scarves and woolly hats and bid it farewell by discarding them. In life too, we continuously discard and replenish as we wade through our personal seasons. And it is personal, as each of us experience change in a different way. Change is scary for all of us no matter whether it be good or bad, in fact there is no bad change only a negative perception of something unknown – change therefore, is relative. To illustrate this point, one could look at a rose bush and be sad that it has thorns, or be happy that the thorns have roses. The trick is to ready yourself always for an approaching winter, knowing that everything is fleeting and that if good exists then so too there must exist the opposite in order to restore balance. Manic depressive sufferers struggle to see the rays that their Spring brings, because they refuse to look outside the window. So there they stay, stuck inside the circumstances they have created around themselves. Most of the time those circumstances are related to financial stress and the instant they come into some money, they feel empowered once more – until the next winter hits. In the summer months we don’t sell our jackets and winter wear, because we know that the season will change and we will need them again. The same outlook should be adopted when we look at our personal lives.

It is not about the money

The greatest lesson winter teaches us is that we need to learn to let go of our routines and hold onto change. Let go of the things and people in our lives that keep us locked up inside, unable to experience the joy of Spring, the freedom of change. Learn to take chances, dance in the rain, phone your loved ones, kiss your children as often as you can, roll on the grass, walk to the store, if you like green apples, buy red ones, ride a bike to work, smell the pages of a book, switch off your phone, turn on the radio and play it loudly – smile. Forget about the confines that social media and corporate marketing forced around you. Surround yourself with good people instead of good things, because in the end it is the things you own that end up owning you. Wear your heart on your sleeve, you never know, somewhere there might be someone who needs to see it. In all things never forget that winter will come, and it will pass, but when it comes be prepared with memories that warm more than just your hands.

You can stop reading now Mom

I’m having a beer as I write this – it’s a cold one I kept at the back of the fridge next to the apples, especially for today. I don’t really drink much, but the last time I wrote you something, mommy, was 14 years ago – and it was a goodbye which I had to read to a bunch of people who never knew you the way that I did. So come on, have a seat, let’s reminisce a while…

Twenty nine years ago you asked if you could marry my dad. I was only six then and we were standing in the kitchen making hotdogs on a Saturday afternoon. Has it been that long? I will never forget your smile when I hugged you and said “yes, Blommie, I don’t mind.” As if you really needed my blessing. My sister was tiny then, four, I think – but she came running in and hugged your other leg tightly as if she also agreed.

Right there in that kitchen my life began. Right there, I met the first woman who ever loved me. I know it sounds corny ma, but you were my first love.

Remember that time, I think I was in high school, when I walked into your sewing room while you were typing on the computer and challenged you to type every word I read from Stephen King’s Pet Cemetery? Hehe, I started reading and your fingers danced across that keyboard like tap dancers on a wooden stage – 110 words a minute, was it? Anyway, you suddenly stopped and I boasted, “what’s the matter, can’t keep old lady?” You looked up and said, “no, you read too slow.”

I can’t tell you how many times since then I’ve chuckled to myself about that, because now, I type faster than you. Okay almost, but the point is that I type because of you, and now, for you. You read this time mommy, and I’ll say stop.

I’ve never again heard the words “I love you” said quite the same way as when you used to remind me how much I meant to you. Until the day I repeated them to my own children. I have a son and daughter now and they know all about you, don’t worry – only the good bits I promise. I wish that they could have met you in person, you would’ve been an awesome grandma and I’m certain my daughter would have hugged your leg as well. My son would have spent hours on your lap playing with your chains. I think my sister kept your jewellery, but it doesn’t really matter because we both kept all of you.

You would’ve loved some of the people in my life too, and I’m pretty sure a few of the women would have had a very stern talking to – the last one especially – you would have warned me about her. And when I didn’t listen, you would have warned me against myself.

I am okay though, I found you in the lady you sent me to. She reminds me so much of you, I’m sure you would have made a formidable team. And she keeps me inline just like you did – between the two of you I’ve become me again.

I remember everything about you, I remember your life and I remember what all of that meant to mine. This letter has been a long time coming and every year I promised you that I’ll write and let you know how I’m doing. See? I remembered that too.

There is so much I want to tell you, so much has happened, but we’ve run out of time. The kids need to get to bed and the workload on my desk has started swaying on its own already, it’s deadline tomorrow. I wish we could do this more often, I wish you didn’t have to go just yet – but I know you’ll come back again, let me see you every so often.

I wanted you to know that I still feel your hugs, I still smell your perfume at times and I’m sure just the other day I saw you sitting on the floor, playing with the kids. I wanted you to know that it’s been a struggle, but I haven’t given up, I haven’t let them beat me. I just wanted to let you know that the little blonde haired boy you hugged in the kitchen that day has grown to be a man you would have been proud of.

But what I really wanted to say is happy birthday mommy. And happy mother’s day – I remembered the flowers this time, but someone ate your chocolates. I miss you today. I miss you every other day. Love you too much mom.

You can stop reading now, I’m beginning to type too slow.

Love, goats and mind bullets

Perception. What a word. Three syllables that carry within them so many different conclusions it may as well become a synonym for itself. But the most basic definition of perception is the ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through your five senses. Hence the term sensory perception.

RealityBut then you have another form of perception. Like how mother’s always know what you’re about to do before you do it, or how you just know that someone is lying or in a foul mood simply by reading a few lines on a text message. Webster’s dictionary explains extrasensory perception as “perception (as in telepathy, clairvoyance, and precognition) that involves awareness of information about events external to the self not gained through the senses and not deducible from previous experience.” Better known by the abbreviation “ESP”, it is this power that separates the psychics and medium from the rest of us. But it has also been said that the mind is so powerful, one could kill another living being simply by using one’s mind.

And that brings us to the men who stared at goats

Yeah so what the hell was that all about? “Remote viewing”, that’s what. Apparently the United States took all this psychic mumbo-jumbo very seriously. So seriously in fact that they setup a lab during the 1970’s and 80’s to run tests on individuals identified as potentially gifted with the powers to see the unseen. the-men-who-stare-at-goatsThrough this program the US attempted to train a squad of psychic spies able to project their consciousness over vast distances in order to acquire intel from their Russian pals during the cold war.

So they used men with green berets, goats and a timer. These boys literally spent hours in staring matches with the goats. The first one to blink died apparently. At least that’s how it all started, because this guy witnessed a Green Beret killing a goat just by staring at it until it dropped.

Then Hollywood jumped in with their (per)version of the story. They called it The Men Who Stare At Goats and it starred George Clooney – which was enough to make it popular at the cinemas. Clooney’s character is based on retired Special Forces Intel First Sergeant Glen Wheaton who was not only a green beret, but also one of the first psychic spies based at The Special Warfare Center and School at Fort Bragg, North Carolina. The Green Beret’s called it the Goat Farm and here, they would spend days attempting to kill goats with mind bullets.

Okay, so did this actually work?

They claim it did. Things got scary weird after that and you can read all about it here. I’m not writing about the US military, I’m writing about the human perception of love.

And may the force be with you

Star Wars showed us how Darth Vader, Yoda and Skywalker all used the “force” to conquer enemies or manipulate situations through mind control, move objects and even communicate telepathically. force1George Lukas popularized, nay iconified, the famous line “may the force be with you” in his epic tale. Could this force be love? I certainly think so. The light side of the Force was the facet aligned with compassion, selflessness, self-knowledge and enlightenment, healing, mercy and benevolence, while the dark side of the Force was the element aligned with hatred, fear, covetousness, anger, aggression, jealousy and malevolence.

I also believe that Lukas based Star Wars on the Bible, with a few minor name changes here and there. Darth Vader having been a very powerful Jedi before his fall from grace landed him the role of general in the Sith forces on the “dark side”. Aniken Skywalker as a young boy displays astonishing intellect and use of the “force” and is taken away from his mother by the Jedi to be trained to one day save humanity. And so on and so on.

Thanks for the lesson in Geek, but what has this to do with Love?

Everything.

This business of remote viewing and astral projection sounds very Jedi to most of us. But then so should anything of the supernatural really, even angels. Would it be too far fetched to believe that a guy killed a goat using only the power of his mind, or that two people can be miles apart and know what the other is thinking or feeling?

There have been a few reported cases where twins, siblings, parents and even pets have shared telepathic communication with each other. So why do we dismiss the same thought when it comes to lovers or friends? We speak to deities and angels in our minds, do we not? And we are told that were made in the image of God, ergo, we should then be able to communicate with one another in the same fashion.

Before you dismiss it as a message from the dark side

telepathy1Answer this. How many times have thought about your loved one and your phone rings or beeps? How many times have you and a loved one shared a similar dream? Or, how many times have you heard someone say “I had a bad feeling” after losing a loved one in an accident? Have you ever just had a gut feel that something is not right? If you’ve answered any one of these with a yes, well then read this article on the Daily Mail website and start believing.

I have a feeling that you’re thinking about liking this post and sharing it with all your friends because you just know they’ll find this interesting. How do I know this? Mindgrams (they trump Instagrams just so you know).

force2Thanks for reading and liking and sharing – you’re awesome.